Confessions Of An Over-Achieving Under-Achiever

I was speaking with a man at work recently - I knew him more by name before but this was the first time we'd really spoken at any great length. About half way through the conversation he mentioned that he was retiring in May. Well frankly I was floored. He certainly didn't subscribe to the old man in a coat and cap shuffling off to the doors with a carriage clock under his arm. Looking at this guy I would have described him probably as middle aged, full of energy, an insightful approach to life with a cutting sense of humour. I was truly interested in his plans post-retirement as he didn't strike me as someone who'd would spend the next 30 years of his life shouting at school kids out of the living room window while waiting for the Countdown double bill on Channel 4....

He mentioned several things he wanted to get involved with in his new-found free time and when I asked him what was the one thing he was most worried or scared about he replied "Being Paralysed By Choice"; having so many options that he never fully commits to a few things well but tries everything and gets no where. His choice of words struck me and left me thinking afterwards how often people never really achieve everything they could in life because they either can't decide on just 1 or 2 things or, indeed, how society expects smart, professional people to be fully rounded - many and varied interests - not just one - which frankly makes you seem a right geek. Unless that one thing is cage fighting at which point you are obviously not a geek and I apologise whole heartedly...Sir.  

I then applied that theory to my own life... I hate filling in any personal forms where it asks you to complete your outside interests or hobbies. I assume that means outside of kids, housework and normal work. Errr.... reading? Watching Breaking Bad on Sky + 3 weeks after everyone else? French? (Hey I have an O-level) Ok I confess... I don't actually do anything. In my defense I have a crazy lifestyle, focussing on family, work, house, partner, rushing from one thing to the next, being permanently exhausted. 

But recently I have been making great efforts to actually do more stuff. I am trying to learn a new language, learn chess, get fitter, write more, be more organised, keep things tidier with a side helping of improving my cooking skills. I'm failing to seemingly get anywhere of course because in looking at that list, I am obviously on cloud cuckoo.  With the incredibly limited amount of time I have in reality - to focus on all that - what the hell am I thinking? What is it that drives me beyond a normal level of satisfaction with achievement to attempt to do everything at once only to achieve nothing of note (by my standards). In looking to self-improve, am i a victim of being paralysed by choice? Wouldn't it be better to just pick one thing and solely focus on that? Well yes of course it would but is that likely to happen? No... because that seems to be the way I'm wired. 

In truth being this slightly insane person that overloads herself with goals and expectations probably allows me to do the work, house, family things as my "base load' whereas many people would look at what I do as a normal everyday routine and think Holy Cow... While I attempt to learn or improve 7 things at once, 6 are invariably forgotten until the next bout of resolution making. But you know what there's one that may sneak through and actually become something I do new... as part of my base load. So rather than thinking of it as being paralysed by choice, or as my mother puts it...ridiculously overloading yourself... perhaps its more just a case of being unrestricted and spontaneous, taking several shots at life and relying on divine guidance or fate to step in and make the choice for me.

So in this bout of resolution making and breaking, writing does indeed seem to be the one thing that's sticking. And I'm already working on my next list of things to try and do later in the year...anyone fancy joining me in a Cage Fighting taster evening?!